Feeling shattered. Most week days mornings since I changed my amitriptyline dose to 30mg I’ve felt utterly shattered in the mornings.
My optimum sleep seems to be currently 11 hours. Growler has to get ready to go to work and try as he might I stir as he gets ready. Typically 9 hours sleep. Which should be enough but just isn’t. I’m also aware that if I roll over and attempt to go back to sleep the breakfast he so carefully prepares for me will be past it’s best by the time I’m ready for it.
The time I should be still asleep I’m awake and feeling shattered and then it’s seeping into my mood and attitude for the day ahead. Because I really don’t feel like it’s a day when I will be able to get anything done and everything seems sort of pointless.
I am reminded of all those awful mornings when I would wake and need to get up to go to the office. Reminded of thinking, and often saying, “how ill is too ill to go to work?”. Because I’d gotten to the point when I never felt well or energised or refreshed despite a good sleep. For a long time I thought it was stress and unhappiness with my job. A large part of it probably was. But sneaking in alongside that was the fog and fug of ME/CFS.
There was a time when I knew that this fug meant stop in bed, don’t go to work. Rest, relax and look after yourself.
Now the fug is there, to a larger or lesser degree, every day.
Any other month and I’d be embracing do nothing except tend to yourself, soothe yourself. But I’ve got this pressure to finish a painting which I haven’t managed to agree a drawing of yet. My first attempt fell way short as far as the client was concerned. I find myself gripped with fear and not quite knowing how I’m going to capture what the client wants. If I can relax then maybe it will just come. But the fatigue presses heavy on my body and my soul.
So, I must gather myself and focus. And all I can see is “how ill is too ill to not worry about this thing today”. Which doesn’t help when I’ve had 4 days pass of not worrying about it and find the deadline getting closer with the limited doing time getting less and less.
I’m not feeling particularly gracious about a limited life with ME/CFS today.
PS: Oh thank goodness – it could be my hormones making so grumpy and moody. Time to dose up on Evening Primrose and see if a miracle can occur.