How Ill is Too Ill

Feeling shattered. Most week days mornings since I changed my amitriptyline dose to 30mg I’ve felt utterly shattered in the mornings.

My optimum sleep seems to be currently 11 hours. Growler has to get ready to go to work and try as he might I stir as he gets ready. Typically 9 hours sleep.  Which should be enough but just isn’t. I’m also aware that if I roll over and attempt to go back to sleep the breakfast he so carefully prepares for me will be past it’s best by the time I’m ready for it.

The time I should be still asleep I’m awake and feeling shattered and then it’s seeping into my mood and attitude for the day ahead.  Because I really don’t feel like it’s a day when I will be able to get anything done and everything seems sort of pointless.

I am reminded of all those awful mornings when I would wake and need to get up to go to the office.  Reminded of thinking, and often saying, “how ill is too ill to go to work?”.  Because I’d gotten to the point when I never felt well or energised or refreshed despite a good sleep.  For a long time I thought it was stress and unhappiness with my job.  A large part of it probably was.  But sneaking in alongside that was the fog and fug of ME/CFS.

There was a time when I knew that this fug meant stop in bed, don’t go to work.  Rest, relax and look after yourself.

Now the fug is there, to a larger or lesser degree, every day.

Any other month and I’d be embracing do nothing except tend to yourself, soothe yourself.  But I’ve got this pressure to finish a painting which I haven’t managed to agree a drawing of yet.  My first attempt fell way short as far as the client was concerned.  I find myself gripped with fear and not quite knowing how I’m going to capture what the client wants.  If I can relax then maybe it will just come.  But the fatigue presses heavy on my body and my soul.

So, I must gather myself and focus.  And all I can see is “how ill is too ill to not worry about this thing today”.  Which doesn’t help when I’ve had 4 days pass of not worrying about it and find the deadline getting closer with the limited doing time getting less and less.

I’m not feeling particularly gracious about a limited life with ME/CFS today.


PS: Oh thank goodness – it could be my hormones making so grumpy and moody. Time to dose up on Evening Primrose and see if a miracle can occur.


6 Responses to “How Ill is Too Ill”

  1. 1 ashysheela November 23, 2009 at 2:07 pm

    i think today is a day of being too ill by the sounds of it.

    Give it another couple of days, let the hormones settle, gently mull over the drawing in your mind and i think you will manage to make a start soon. Nothing stays the same and when a slighly better moment comes along you will hopefully be ready!

    Hope things get easier soon, it is so hard to juggle illness & life alone never mind when you have a deadline… good luck!

  2. 2 Nina November 23, 2009 at 2:15 pm

    If I may suggest some kind of breakfast that doesn’t mind if it has to wait? The change could be temporary while you paint and move, or you may find that you love hard boiled eggs! 🙂

  3. 3 Rachel M November 23, 2009 at 4:22 pm

    It sounds like you are falling into typical trap of vicious cycle of ME/CFS.
    Maybe you need to accept that you are too sick to work for the next couple of days, and consciously not think about the work or the clients. And maybe, you shouldn’t worry about what client wants, but what you would like to express if you were in your client’s position. After all, they want YOUR art, not theirs.
    When you are bit more rested and feel happy, your mojo should come back.

    This is a wishful thought from non-artist friend…

  4. 4 rachelcreative November 23, 2009 at 7:25 pm

    Thank you each of you.

    Things got easier this afternoon and I felt a bit more human. I even did some drawings and came up with something I kind of like. Not sure what the client will think but we’ll see.

    Yes a change of breakfast, taking it easy and adjusting to the health and energy I have. Thanks for all the kind words and advice.

  5. 5 Alyson November 24, 2009 at 1:24 am

    Finding balance is so difficult sometimes. I can relate. Sending you healthy thoughts!

  6. 6 Jozephine November 24, 2009 at 3:42 pm

    I don’t know how I missed this post! I was nodding, yep, yep, yep all the way through. Even down to, oh thank goodness it’s me hormones. Why is it so much better when there’s a reason?

    I hope your painting is working out. Take it easy.

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