Seems this shuffley-footed, difficult to describe, fog of yuck isn’t just menacing me.
Cusp talks of M.E. snakes and ladders and describes how I’ve been feeling and struggling to put into words:
“I am at that point (as is oft the case with PWME or any other chronic illness) where I could shake a fist at the sky and tell the whole damned thing to clear off, leave me alone, I’ve done my time, I’ve made my amends, done all the right things, listened to the advice, listened to the doctor, the healer, the insurance company and none of it has done any good. All that works is time passing and being careful and cautious and biding my time. I feel like I’m in some religious order locked away from the world.”
Then Signs with a body electric speaks of a:
“creature who every day wakes up with me and says that today is the first day of the rest of your life and everything might suddenly, inexplicably, be fine.
I am making ridiculous plans for things that I know I am unlikely to do.”
Yes! I hear the creature too.
Growler tells me that many people are struggling to get back into the swing of things after Christmas and to get back to normality. So my lack of normality is probably just normal. He also says that I shouldn’t underestimate the impact of the unusually freezing conditions we’ve had recently – because it’s bound to have some impact. As other minor things can often have a much bigger effect on me and M.E. then the logic does stand up.
I feel a little bit more M.E. normal and a bit more like this is just another passing thingy. (Lack of eloquence today).
What has been different this January I realised today, is I had an expectation that returning to my pre-Christmas routine and capacity would be easy and took it as given. I scaled back Christmas, did a lot less despite having a bit more reserve, so figured it would be easy to continue OK after a little Christmasness.
But I guess it didn’t quite work like that. So January bites again.
Jan 07 was really awful – I was shattered and around 10%. Jan 08 was better but I had a horrible chest infection which lingered on and on and dragged me down. So Jan 09 is in fact a big improvement. That’s almost a linear progression folks! I will find a positive here even if I have to rake over bad times to find it.