I’m not a shining example of an ill human being. I wish I were one of these people about whom they say “No matter how bad she felt she never complained“. Clearly – that is not me.
How do those people do it?
I’m in the midst of a horrible gastric thing again. Awoken early in the morning by a worsening in my abdominal cramps caused (probably) by constipation, trapped wind and spasming in my bowel. Just for good measure I’m also fighting off a migraine – probably due to the twisty contorted faces I’ve been pulling all night trying to get comfortable and sleep. Oh and the icing on the cake – a big dollop of nausea too. Not to mention all the squirming and writhing, rocking and walking, fidgeting and belly rubbing is becoming pretty exhausting now.
So I whimper quietly to myself trying not to wake Growler. I can’t make it downstairs and I know I’m going to want to lie down just as soon as some of this eases (please let this ease). But once he’s awake I let go and squeak, growl, grizzle, moan and swear.
I am miserable with the pain and the discomfort. I want it to stop – please stop. I try to console myself with all the people in the world (all the people I know) going through worse things than me but I’m still writhing and twisting and sqeaking.
“No matter how bad she felt she always complained”.
It’s times like these I’m reminded of when I was a young girl and had some knee scraping/twisted ankle/earache or another.
I was not a gracious patient even then it seems as I remember clearly my mom, exasperated, saying “Oh god help you if you ever experience something REALLY painful.”
It’s kind of haunted me ever since. If this wasn’t real pain then what was I in for? Mum’s are always right (ha) so if I do get real pain I’ll never cope with it. I was hardly ever ill as a child and indeed into my late twenties. I’ve never (touch wood) broken a bone and never set foot in a hospital until my referral for my back problem in my late twenties.
I stumbled through life knowing that if I ever experienced real pain I was done for. I thought it was all the more disappointing for my mum as she has an amazing tolerance for pain and keeping going. When the doctor at the hospital diagnosed her (quite by chance) with an underactive thyroid he told her she should have been dead. She fought for so long without her GP recognising the condition and pushed past the pain and the fatigue. Why couldn’t I be more like her.
In 2001 I started getting pain in my leg which I just couldn’t shake. It took me months to go to the doctor who instantly referred me to the hospital. When I finally had my back x-rayed my lower discs were (are) compacted and the specialist said these magic words “there’s not many people your age in as much pain as you are“.
I’d been quietly muttering about my “leg pain” for months and months to parental reactions of rolled eyes. I got the distinct impression they thought I was making it up as an excuse to be lazy. A year or two later, once I had learnt techniques to minimise triggering sciatic and back pain, I realised just how much pain I had been in and how well I had tolerated it. The only sick days I took due to my back was a few days when I was so spaced out on painkillers it wasn’t practical.
Now I know this stabbing, grinding cramping isn’t at the top of my pain scale. In fact it sounds really wussy to complain about it all. But it’s unrelenting. I’m not used to constant pain in that part of my body and I’m having trouble coping with it. I’m having trouble coing with knowing I just need to eat one thing that’s not quite right (probably without realising it won’t be quite right) and I get all of this back again. I get all this pain and discomfort sweeping down on me and it will take a day or two or three or more to get any relief.
So, yes, I am moaning about the pain. No, I’m not one of those amazing people who “never complains not matter how bad she feels”. But I reckon if I am moaning – then it’s probably pretty bad.