A Tunnel Shaped Like Me

I am struggling at the moment.  I’m at a difficult place in terms of mental health and emotional stablity.  I don’t know why.  I have a long list of possibilities.  I won’t bore you.

This isn’t a struggle in a deep dark bottomless place or even on the edge of one – so breathe easy dear friends.  It’s just … I dunno … things feel a bit stuck.  Rationally I know I am in a good place physically and therefore mentals and emotionals should fall into place.  But there’s just something(s) rubbing that need sorting or soothing.

Having finally shifted that 2 month long virus my current symptom combo feels awfully familiar.  It reminds me of a time around Spring last year.  I don’t know if that’s a good or a bad thing.  I just know it feels like I’ve been here before (again).

My mental image (when talking things over with Growler) was one of a long Rachel shaped tube (something akin to a gingerbread cutter shaped tube). A cold, shiny, unrelenting and never flexing tunnel.  My body frozen into a rigid star jump shape being pushed along this tube by Growler.  Poor Growler – flogging himself to exhaustion to push me down this tube that never seems to look any different and never seems as if it will end.

Sounds a bit bleak eh?

Well my days right now are about soothing this hurt/angst/upset/grieving/tantrum feeling inside, trying to find some clearer ideas of the trigger(s), practising my good mental health routines and … well … finding a way through.  Which I will.

Sometimes the positive stuff is a frothy foam on the top of my days.  Sometimes I have to seek it out from the depths.  I know it’s there – it’s just harder work to touch it than it has been for a while.

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5 Responses to “A Tunnel Shaped Like Me”


  1. 1 Nina March 18, 2008 at 8:06 pm

    Seeing the glass half full IS a state of mind; affected by many,many things. …..not the least of which is choice. But some days, I’m too tired to choose. So, I just let the day go.

  2. 2 Rachel M March 19, 2008 at 8:24 am

    I tried to write something to cheer you up or make you feel better. But I cannot make it into a short understandable sentence… Whatever I tried sounds pathetic…

    I just hold your hands and give you nice warm hug. I’m listening, too.

  3. 3 jowynn March 20, 2008 at 2:24 pm

    I’m here, too, Rachel. Breathe.

  4. 4 Connie March 20, 2008 at 9:38 pm

    I don’t know what to say either except that I’m here for you and sending you love across the miles. Sometimes our emotions just don’t make sense, so go with it and lean on your loved ones. Praying for you my dear….

  5. 5 Growler March 21, 2008 at 7:48 am

    I’m here listening too…and cwtching.


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