I am struggling at the moment. I’m at a difficult place in terms of mental health and emotional stablity. I don’t know why. I have a long list of possibilities. I won’t bore you.
This isn’t a struggle in a deep dark bottomless place or even on the edge of one – so breathe easy dear friends. It’s just … I dunno … things feel a bit stuck. Rationally I know I am in a good place physically and therefore mentals and emotionals should fall into place. But there’s just something(s) rubbing that need sorting or soothing.
Having finally shifted that 2 month long virus my current symptom combo feels awfully familiar. It reminds me of a time around Spring last year. I don’t know if that’s a good or a bad thing. I just know it feels like I’ve been here before (again).
My mental image (when talking things over with Growler) was one of a long Rachel shaped tube (something akin to a gingerbread cutter shaped tube). A cold, shiny, unrelenting and never flexing tunnel. My body frozen into a rigid star jump shape being pushed along this tube by Growler. Poor Growler – flogging himself to exhaustion to push me down this tube that never seems to look any different and never seems as if it will end.
Sounds a bit bleak eh?
Well my days right now are about soothing this hurt/angst/upset/grieving/tantrum feeling inside, trying to find some clearer ideas of the trigger(s), practising my good mental health routines and … well … finding a way through. Which I will.
Sometimes the positive stuff is a frothy foam on the top of my days. Sometimes I have to seek it out from the depths. I know it’s there – it’s just harder work to touch it than it has been for a while.