I’m having something of a new year, post christmas flop. I can’t assess if it’s the christmas exertions (however carefully planned this year) or just the cold and sinus infection I have picked up but I’m distinctly floppy. My meager level of activity has been reduced yet further whilst my desire to plan and get stuck in to projects is strong with the start of a brand new year.
New projects and new plans will have to wait. Indeed I must take the floppiness and delaying of plans as part of the 2008 master plan. There is no fine detail planning to be done when you have CFS/ME – because even if you reach better health a set back is never far away.
I’m not saying this in a negative sense – no matter how it sounds. There is no point planning my life ahead on the basis of regaining the health I once had – because no-one can say if that will happen and it’s commonly believed to be unlikely. Even recovery must have one eye on the possibility of major relapse.
2008 for me is going to be about further phases of acceptance for the life that is now mine.
If I make a startling recovery to health then I am prepared to have to make some major adjustments to embrace good health. I’d be delighted to do that and I maintain hope that it will happen.
However, without a proven treatment or strategy to get me there it seems continuing trial and error to regain health is the only path for me. Meanwhile I can embrace a life within my limits.
There’s no new discoveries here. Just a reflection that since my formal diagnosis 12 months ago my condition has changed only slightly and faced with that reality I would rather be living for the present than for a vague possibility of the future. This actually means I think, a lot more of the same. Working toward the same goals, seeking the same rewards in life, using the same attitude and approach – just accepting this isn’t a temporary state but something more semi-permanent.
I don’t have anything very new or profound to say. It’s just another chapter of life within limitations to be savoured to the maximum possible without detriment to myself or others. To be clinical yet spirited. To be constrained yet free.