You would think that not being able to have a bath or wash my hair without some help would be enough to bring home the reality I face living with a chronic illness. But I can tell myself that if I only tried I could do it on my own – besides this is a one off, and this one, and this one …
Or that perhaps having lost my job through ill health and having had ten months straight off work sick would be enough to bring it all home. But I can tell myself that if I had only tried harder I could have gone back and done some hours …
But when I opened the fridge door this evening to get milk for my hot chocolate (well, middle of the night really unable to sleep – but that’s a different blog) I saw absolute proof of where I am at in my life. I didn’t recognise anything in there. Our fridge packed with packets and pots of interesting food was a stranger to me.
It started early on in my illness with not knowing when we needed to buy milk. Growler took charge of being chief milk monitor. Slowly my solo food shopping trips stopped altogether and not much after that I stopped going with Growler to “help”. There are better ways to use valauble energy than have it sucked out of you in a supermarket if you can at all avoid it.
Now I have no idea what is in my fridge, no clue what is in the cupboards, no feel for the routine and the familiar of my kitchen. Growler is an expert in stocking all my favourite things, all the things that are good for me and all things suitable for a fussy tummy day.
Isn’t it strange how something so simple can illustrate a vast shift in my life?
One of the the ambitions I hold now (those overcoming illness ambitions) is to cook Growler a meal again. I mean a good meal without collapsing afterwards, to be able to enjoy it. One day.
I also have ambitions to be able to walk or get to the local post office – a 10 minute walk, by myself, under my own steam, safely. Oh and make it back too! Also, much more ambitous – to ride my bike again, or to have an electric bike and be able to go for a ride in warmer weather with Growler.
But I think cooking a meal might be the first milestone from that list! That’s providing I can pre-order familiar supplies for the fridge. 😉
Oh – the good news is that all the staples still live in the same places in the fridge. So finding the milk was straight forward. At least I haven’t completely lost it.