Head is in a spin. When I think I know my illness it confounds me again.
I want to focus on my life and not my illness. Maybe then it will go away. Get better without me noticing.
Isn’t that madness?
How to focus on life and not illness when it is so dominant. It forces such a monumental scale down in my life – I can’t just do what I want to because when I do it makes me body ill. I can switch off thinking about consequences and push and fight. Then at some point crash and know nothing but pain and exhaustion and upset.
I’m feeling quite low and quite mad these last couple of days. My framework is askew and I’m drifting. I’m lacking pure joy. I’m lonely and frightened. I’m so terrified I’ll never live my dreams that I piss away the time I do have on fruitless pursuits. I find myself shopping almost certainly for some magic answer to fill a hole. I don’t know how to tell people I’m having a bad time.
I know this will pass. I’m hoping it’s PMT. But there’s all this time stretching ahead of me with so little to fill it with. I want to be happy. I want to be successful. I want to be inspirational. Instead, right now, I’m a wobbly mess.