Doubt

Head is in a spin.  When I think I know my illness it confounds me again. 

I want to focus on my life and not my illness.  Maybe then it will go away.  Get better without me noticing. 

Isn’t that madness?

How to focus on life and not illness when it is so dominant.  It forces such a monumental scale down in my life – I can’t just do what I want to because when I do it makes me body ill.  I can switch off thinking about consequences and push and fight.  Then at some point crash and know nothing but pain and exhaustion and upset.

I’m feeling quite low and quite mad these last couple of days.  My framework is askew and I’m drifting.  I’m lacking pure joy.  I’m lonely and frightened.  I’m so terrified I’ll never live my dreams that I piss away the time I do have on fruitless pursuits.  I find myself shopping almost certainly for some magic answer to fill a hole.  I don’t know how to tell people I’m having a bad time.

I know this will pass.  I’m hoping it’s PMT.  But there’s all this time stretching ahead of me with so little to fill it with.  I want to be happy.  I want to be successful.  I want to be inspirational.  Instead, right now, I’m a wobbly mess.

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2 Responses to “Doubt”


  1. 1 Growler September 24, 2007 at 3:42 pm

    You are a success. You are an inspiration. You are talented. You are creative. You are beautiful.

    You’re not alone. You’re not mad. You’re not your illness.

    You are Rachel, Artist.

    You are amazing.

    (I’m lucky).

  2. 2 Ashy October 23, 2007 at 2:19 pm

    I know exactly how you were feeling on this day. I am constantly questioning what i want to do with my life when/if i am am ever well enough and also trying to work out how to find meaning in the things i can do while ill. It is a wierd experiece to have so much time, but so little useable/functional time, mixed with a creative personality who still wants to throw herself into life as much as she ever did… how to choose one achieveable thing to focus that precious energy on… it’s like choosing one thing to take to live the rest of your life on a desert island… impossible torture.

    I think we are given the message by doctors etc that we are perpetuating our illness by focussing on our symptoms too much and we begin to doubt ourselves. Your illness is real and you cannot make it go away by ignoring it, as you rightly say this attitude leads to not caring for yourself and crashing. I find that distracting myself from it a better coping strategy but it will not make me well…

    We all contribute something to the world and touch the lives of others, and that is enough.


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