It’s pretty easy with my current level of CFS to get overwhelmed by thoughts of things I need to do/decide. It’s quite uneccessary most of it not least because the same things wash around and around without me ever listening to the solutions!
The list currently includes:
- What am I going to wear to dinner on Thursday evening? I know I decided this weeks ago but will I be too dressy? Will I be warm enough?
- Why am I worrying about what to wear when the major worry is will I have the energy to go out and enjoy myself? Will eveyone notice if I’m struggling because I sure as hell don’t want to put a downer on things. And the last thing I want or need is to draw attention to myself. But pretending everything is normal is quite touch because it so isn’t at the moment.
- Am I a horrible person for being pre-occupied with my own thoughts about myself? Why aren’t I thinking about other people more?
- Will my friend be ok? My friend from work who is subject to even more bullying tactics than I was when I was there. I worry for her health, her mental health and there’s nothing I can do except passive support.
- Will the postman come with my parcels this morning? And if he does should I get out of bed and go down to sign for them? or should I risk leaving it and hope it’s easy to get the parcels another day – which depends on the courier as some as not too nice and they are not very flexible.
- How did I get to the point that I can’t answer my own front door without having to weight up the costs to my health?
- Is this viral infection really a viral infection? Is it just another part of my CFS? will it ever get better?
- Should I take painkillers? If so which ones should I take? My glands are tender and my shoulders – so do I need an anti-inflammatory or a pain blocker? Is it bad that I just want to take anything and everything to stop feeling extra crappy?
- Why am I so exhausted? Who is right and who is wrong? What is happening to my body? When will anyone have an answer that is agreed on? What are the right things? Can I do them? Do the people who tell you the right things know how difficult it is to live life right – even at the best of times – let alone when you have so few pleasures left in life and some things you do because it’s the only way you know how to survive and being told you are wrong isn’t tremendously helpful to maintaining a positive attitude?
- Do I have any friends? Really. Do people care? Do people care enough to want to help? Have I distanced myself from them deliberately? Or indirectly because I am so unable? How do I get to see people when there’s a price to be paid? Which is worse – never seeing friends, risking losing them or making your health worse? Are there any answers or is it all just questions?
There’s more. But is a good number and I’m suffering now so I’m stopping for a while.