I’m so fed up. I want to go for a long walk in the fresh air. I want to do something physical and move my body. But I am so very very tired.
I seem to be on indecisive overload. I blame ebay auctions. Oh, and the fact that it’s agonising sometimes making a decision with ME/CFS.
I’ve been worrying about the pens I use to draw with. I know there are more important things to worry about AND I am not doing very much drawing at the moment … but this hasn’t stopped me trying to figure out a better solution for “pens” to the point of mini obsession.
The background … The pens I use now for drawing have a fibre tip and are disposable. Try as I might I can’t find a scupltural re-use of the used pens and it seems an eco crime to keep buying them by the carton. Plus I am so heavy with my technique that I tend to grind the nib down long before all the ink is used.
I discovered a new drawing ink which can be used in fountain pens without clogging them up – this is the key to a new way of drawing. Hmmm. Except I have now bought two fountain pens (budget pens) and am not satisfied. So I am spending hours pouring over ebay auctions looking for a quality pen for a bargain price.
Ebay auctions with ME brain fog are not the best combo. I feel all in control of what I want to pay and then other people get involved. Sigh. I’m not brilliant at fast reactions these last few days. So I get all fuddled really quickly. And fuddled isn’t a prime ebay status to be in!
Do I bid on this pen I like in a slightly undesirable colour now, or do I wait and bid on the same make of pen from someone else in a better colour but used … but the first auction ends a day before the second and there’s no knwoing how the price will go … AND the person bidding on the second auction is the seller of the first so he’ll no doubt sell it on for a profit … Oh dear. Too many factors.
I know this isn’t strictly ME – but I can’t help wondering why I am putting myself in the path of so much indecision and confusion when I know I’m not in a state to do so? I figure it’s because there’s a little thrill of the chase with ebay. Plus it’s something to do. How sad is that?!
I also suspect part of me thinks “if I just had the right pen THEN I could get back to drawing …”
But I think the lack of drawing is more to do with the utter exhasution I am in at the moment.
The viral chect infection seemed to get a little better. Now it’s fighting back. Last night I had such a bad wheezing attack it stopped me and Paul in mid meal. It’s not funny now – it’s been over 8 weeks since it started and it’s only marginally better. Sigh.
My doctor said “plenty of rest”. How do you add plenty of rest to my routine? Short of inducing me into a coma there’s nowhere much left to go.
I am, of course, being sarcastic. I’m just incredibly frustrated and fed up at the moment. I really really don’t want to hear anyone say “how are you?” this week. I can’t face it.
I really don’t want to let anyone down but … I am crap, ok? I am close to loosing it – except I haven’t the energy to be angry. So it comes spitting out as snotty tears.
On the positive side although I’ve had crushing exhaustion for the last few days I’ve been relatively pain free. Whoopee doo. Small mercies.
Maybe it’s time to do a ‘reasons to be cheerful’ post … but I think it might be through a snarled smile today. Grrr. Bloody ME.